Severe Mental Health

Hello, my name is Chet. I'm 35 years old and I look like there's nothing wrong with me to the average person - heck, even many doctors overlook things. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Complex PTSD, ADHD, OCD, Depression, Anxiety, and I'm pretty sure I'm on the autistic spectrum, but even with my therapist agreeing that I have targets that suggest I do, I can't get to a doctor to find out because you need a primary and primary doctors think there's nothing wrong with me because I'm 35 and claim it's all in my head.I've suffered trauma from before I'm even born. My mother dig a lot of drugs and smoked when she was pregnant with me - even left the hospital to get more high right when I was born. She emotionally abused me my entire childhood and psychologically tormented me to the point that I developed disorders that made my life a living hell from as far back as I can remember.  My father loved me and got joint custody of me, but the damage my mother did became worse over time. No one really helped me with my trauma. My father didn't really know how, but he tried his best. Doctors just tried saying I was bipolar. I tried every med there is. In fact, I can't even get the ones that work, these days.I've been bullied and beat down, made fun of, and beaten physically and emotionally my entire life. My own mother wished me dead and told me she never even wanted a kid, many times. I was a sweet kid that the world took advantage of and beat down. I had issues and I couldn't even think the right way because of the developmental issues I had that no one took notice of or cared about. Today, I'm extremely mentally ill and my case is complex due to the neglect. I have been trying to get help since I was a young boy. No one cares, no one helps, and I've grown so hurt that I can't even hold on anymore. That's how I found this website.Every friend hurt me, every woman hurt me, my own family abandoned me and blamed me for my trauma... and the only person who ever cared about me (my father) died from lung cancer a year and a half ago. We had finally just moved away from the city and 2 months later he got cancer... he didn't smoke for over 25 years. He was a sweet man and he loved me very much. I'm alone, at 35, and I can't even take care of myself. I can't think straight or focus. I can't get the meds to help me because doctors don't like prescribing them. I can't get the right doctors because they either don't believe me or my insurance doesn't cover it. Doctors call me crazy. The other week a doctor asked if I do meth. I asked why and he said because I seem stressed. I don't even do drugs, and at the time, I had just quit smoking. I got upset, so upset, and then they attack me for getting angry.I have been through hell and back. I could write books on my life. I feel like some kind of genius who can't even pay his rent, hold down a job, write a list, or even think. I can write, but when it comes to thinking and figuring out how I can make money or survive, I can't. I get so overwhelmed with stress and frustration that it hurts me. No one wants to help me and I'm losing my mind. I'm trying so hard to figure out how I can make money to survive, whether working or starting a business. I literally am doing nothing but sinking further into a hole. I have NO ONE in my life - no friends, family, nothing. When I say no one cares, I mean it. I don't even know why I'm writing this when I know how people are. All I've ever known is heartache and abuse - abandonment and pain. It sounds like a story, but it's my life. It's not drama, it's trauma. I live this. I've almost been chopped up in pieces. I've had my face beaten so bad I couldn't see out of either eye. I grew up in the Bronx where a sweet, highly sensitive white boy that was weak and easy to fool was the worst thing you could be. Every step of my life has been met with me getting up and trying to do better and be better, all while I get knocked so hard down and stepped on. I'm used to it, and I'll never change as a person. I'll always be real and love hard, care, and put my all into what is right, but now that I've lost everything and I'm barely holding on, while my landlord is kicking me out and I'm trying to figure out where I and my dog will go, I can't even think straight and it's so painfully stressful that my brain PHYSICALLY doesn't work the same as other people's because of trauma, I am getting NO HELP.I want to change the world and tell them what I know, but I can't even think logically due to my brain having developmental issues. The physical trauma has left my brain disabled in certain ways and no one believes me, helps me, nothing. I need to get financially stable but I CAN'T because I have a broken brain. I've been to psychiatrists, and therapists, taken the meds. I don't even know how I can get help anymore and I'm barely holding on. I can't hold on much longer and I don't know how I've come this far. I wake up every day trying to be the best person I can be and do what I believe in, the right thing, no matter how hard, and everyone puts me down and makes fun of me and makes my life harder. They blame me for my pain, women hurt me every time I open my heart to them, friends stab me in the back, and family doesn't care or help. I just want to be able to live, but not once in my life have I ever felt alive. I've never even known what it feels like for a woman to love me, to want me to, to matter to a woman. I feel like I'm nothing and I know I have so much inside of me to give, to teach, to love. I care, and I swear I have never met a person more real or caring than me. People fake things, I never fake anything and the painful life I've lived has made me smart enough and strong enough to keep doing so.I need help, I need someone who will care. I can do so many things, but I can't even focus enough to do one thing. That's how bad it is. Please, if not money, please help me. Thank you for reading. -Chet